The Secret to Losing Weight…Hint: It’s Not in Your Fridge, it’s in Your Heart.

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secret logoThere’s a big secret to losing weight that doesn’t have anything to do with carb to protein ratios, Crossfit workouts, or eating like a caveman.  It has to do with love.

For the first time, ever, I stepped on the scale on New Year’s Day and saw a number I should have been happy with.  Thanks to a half-hearted go at the Virgin Diet and a bad case of the flu, my annual January weigh-in was atypical.  Almost ten pounds were gone.

Yet, I’ll be honest. It didn’t feel awesome. In fact, it didn’t really feel that different than any of those other years where I got the scale, looked down, and resolved how much better life would be if that number were lower.  Instead, it was pretty much the same.  I stood there wondering if that number was still too high to make me happy.

Yes. I know I have a problem. But, not the one you think.  It’s an affection problem.

Last month thousands (if not tens of thousands) of people resolved to lose weight.  For most, this is a worthwhile goal. Yet, by now, many (if not most) of those who resolved to “finally do it” this time have given up.  Why?  Are they weak willed?  Choose the wrong diet?  Do they just have too many obstacles to overcome?

No. I think it’s because they haven’t found a higher affection.

I recently watched Dr. Oz tell a Christian audience the secret to sustainable weight loss.  His answer: You have to start thinking about yourself.  Put “you” first.

And, as I think about friends who have had weight loss success and my own struggles in this arena, I realized: He’s right (in part).  You can and will lose weight if you decide that you (your health or your “quality” of life) are more important than food.

Why does it work? Because for many that struggle with our weight– food is an idol.  (I’ve written about modern day idols here if you are picturing a buddha statue and this makes no sense to you.)  It’s hard to give up our idols because we think they make us happy. We think they bring us comfort and security.

So here is how changing your affection (what your heart loves) works:  If you can replace your idol (food) with a higher affection (something you love more), say a love for oneself, then you can drop those pounds.

Practically, this is when you hear people say they can look at that plate of brownies and think, “No, I love myself (and my new skinny jeans) too much to eat you.”

You say no to your food idol, and yes to your new idol: a thinner you.

But, please don’t stop reading here.

There’s just one (HUGE) problem with this weight-loss strategy.  Though arguably effective for a positive change in your body, becoming your own idol is destructive to the person who does it, to their relationships, and to every other aspect of their life.

It’s almost cliche, it happens so often.  You see someone who has lost a significant amount of weight and what follows?  Is everything else in their lives suddenly better now that they look awesome?  Rarely.  They have a hard time relating to old friends (though they make new ones who share their new affection). Their spouse can’t seem to make them “feel good” like they used to.  Their relationships change.  Everyone else is to blame.

So, then how DO you lose weight without becoming your own idol?

I think you need an even higher, (much) better, affection.  The Gospel of Jesus Christ has the answer.

heart

A Scottish theologian by the name of Thomas Chalmers preached on “the expulsive power of a higher affection” in the early 1800s. The gist of what he wanted people to understand is that it’s really difficult to stay on a diet (abstain from “sin”) if you only think about how “bad” it is to break the rules.  For example, simply meditating on how bad high fructose corn syrup is for your body is not enough motivation to keep you away from Oreos.  (You can insert pornography, lying, drinking, drugs, gambling, or just about any struggle you have in that sentence to get the full impact of what he was saying.)  Chalmers preached that we need a greater power, a greater affection, in order to get rid of (or expel) the sinful behavior.  (Yes, overeating is a sin called gluttony and mentioned more than many other sins in the Bible.)

Chalmers encouraged people to take their misplaced affections (like a love for too much food) and replace them with the far greater power of the affection of the gospel: the love of Jesus Christ.

Bottom line: If you want to lose weight in the healthiest way– you have to work out.  But, not just in the gym. You have to work out love.  When we can embrace how much love God demonstrated for us by giving up his son in our place…when we can fully receive that love…then, we can turn our affections away from what distracts us, what tempts us, and towards Him who first loved us.  

He is the answer to all of our addictions not because he can help us have better willpower (though he can), but because his love is so big it can fill our heart so we have no room for any of our previous loves (like brownies).  His love — if we can grasp it — leaves no room for anything inferior.  

If you want to lose weight, and have failed…again…and again… Don’t despair!  Rather, pray that God will give you a new affection: one for him that is so great that it dominates your heart.  I believe you’ll find, in that place of crying out to Him, that he will be faithful to help you change your body as you change your heart.

“Therefore, it is not enough to hold out to your people the mirror of their own imperfections. It is not enough to come forth with a demonstration of the effanecent character of their enjoyments, or to speak to their consciences of their follies. Rather, make every legitimate method of finding access to their hearts for the love of him who is greater than the world.”  Thomas Chalmers

“For God so loved ithe world,that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”  John 3:16

The Most Challenging Workout I’ve Ever Done: Church Planting

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on my heartMost of my posts are about exercise and its commonalities with following Jesus.  Today I’ll come clean on the hardest workout my faith…my trust…my hope has endured to date.  That is: my experience as a church planter’s wife.

Today, I’m linking up with Christine over at Grace Covers Me as she releases her book, The Church Planting Wife: Help and Hope for Her Heart, and collects heart stories from church planting and ministry wives.

Christine wanted other women to share how church planting has changed them.  And, although in order to share all the ways this grueling, difficult process has changed me I would also have to write a book, I’m going to do my best to summarize in the way that I love best.  I will compare it to exercise.revised moody cover

I teach spinning.  If you’ve never taken an indoor group cycling class, let me assure you that the first time will probably get your attention.  The seat hurts.  It takes way more effort to get that wheel around than you expect.  The resistance can be heavier than you’ve ever experienced on another bicycle.  I often have athletic people (even marathon runners) who come in confident that it will be “no big deal” for them to participate.  They are well-conditioned, yet, at the end of the class they look beat, tired, and a little surprised that it was so difficult.  (That is if they can make it to the end of the class–many leave early, sometimes limping!)

This was me when it came to church planting.  I thought I was conditioned for it.  I studied.  I listened to podcasts, read stories, and went to conferences. I grew up in the church.  I knew what a pastor’s wife did.  She looked great, she had a lot of people over, and she could always be seen smiling and nodding.  She made sure the pastor’s clothes matched and the church foyer was decorated.  Her children looked cute and acted sweet (at least on Sunday mornings).  She made great casseroles for every pot luck.  And, in many cases, she had a special talent for singing.

I was ready…well, except for that singing part…(I was prepared to adjust that part of the vision.  I don’t sing unless a radio beside me is blaring.)

Sure, I knew it was going to be hard.  That’s what everyone told us at least. But, deep in my heart I was sure that their hard was probably different than my hard.  My pride fooled me into believing that I was somehow better equipped…that I would not struggle as everyone else had.  I thought I was strong…that I was ready. But, then someone put a 50 pound barbell in front of me and told me to lift.  I bent down to attempt and I couldn’t get it off the ground.

What happened?  Well, we didn’t grow a megachurch in six Sundays.  We didn’t have a line of 100 people (or even 10) waiting to get in on that first “launch” Sunday.  We didn’t have someone just “give us” an awesome place to meet.

And, this was only a small part of the struggle.

People we invited never came.  People who pledged to us their loyalty didn’t come through. People who said they wanted us to succeed, that they were on our team, sure didn’t act like it.

Expensive mailings failed.  Events didn’t produce the results we wanted.  And my husband was discouraged…most of the time.

For the majority of the first 18 months of our church planting adventure, I would enter that elementary school building thinking that the workout would be easy that day…that I was ready for it.  But, every Sunday afternoon I was beat down, defeated and struggling to figure out how I was supposed to encourage my husband to be any more hopeful than I was.  It was too hard.  How could I possibly go through that same exercise again…every week?

But none of my problems, none of my struggle with church planting was really about what other people did or didn’t do in relation to our new church.  It was really all about me.  The problem was my heart, my attitude, my expectations, my hope, my trust, and my (now-exposed) lack of faith that God was working and would provide…that God would sustain us. 

Yet, he has.

He has been faithful to grow us. He has been faithful to change us.  I picture Dr. Seuss’ Grinch at the end of the story, when his heart expands to ten times its size.  I feel like God has stretched our hearts in the same way.

Through the maturing process he has shown me that what I thought was important–the exercises I was prepared for– are not the ones that matter.  I no longer stress about how the donut table looks, mis-spelled words on the worship guide, or the fact that my daughter somehow made it out of the house wearing her well-worn pink Crocs with her frilliest red dress.  I now understand that how the church looks and how I look don’t really matter all that much.

And, I’m starting to see how my role as a church-planting wife might not be all that different than my part-time job at the gym…How maybe the most important thing I can do for my family and for our church is to make sure I stay spiritually conditioned and then support, encourage and help others in the various stages of their efforts to shape-up their relationship with God through the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

I wanted to be strong enough so I could do it on my own.  (Pride…again).  Now I’m experiencing a new phenomenon, in that, when I am weak that He is made strong.  I’m being taught to surrender.  I’m seeing his grace in the opportunities he gives me to grow.  I’m being conditioned to rely on his ability to carry the weight.  He’s showing me that only in His power will I be able to love people in the way he commands.

And, It’s the hardest workout I’ve ever done.

**If you are a church planter’s or pastor’s wife — I’d encourage you to follow Christine’s blog at www.gracecoversme.com.  I’d also ask you to check out my other blog where a few other ministry wife friend’s and I post about our day-to-day struggles at www.journeysofapastorswife.com**

In God We Trust?

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It’s so difficult to trust God. 

I’m just waiting, and trusting…

Wow, this trusting thing is hard, but I’m trying.

3642952588_6f6aa02640_mWhy is it so hard to trust God? Why is it so hard to wait? Why is it so hard to grasp the concept that His plan, His timing, and His path are better than what we would choose for ourselves?

If I had to classify myself as a “trusting” or “untrusting” person. I’d claim to be the latter.  I’m a born skeptic.  You are guilty until proven innocent. You are phony until proven genuine.  My trust must be earned.

And, just as I was priding myself on how careful and selective I am about who I trust, God showed me how careless I am with my trust so much of the time.

I was grocery shopping and staring at a box of snack food that, without reading the label, I know is no where close to being classified as healthy.  I stood in that store deliberating whether or not I should buy it for my children.  They love it… It’s easy…  But, we are trying to eat healthier... Trying to make sure they get less sugar…

Back and forth I went in my mind, and then, I noticed a little badge on the front of the box that boasted, “12 vitamins and minerals and a full day’s worth of vitamin C.”

I threw it in the cart and checked out.

Then, as I was putting my groceries away, God reminded me of that silly box of fruit snacks.  I wanted to believe there was some nutritional value to them…that there was some good reason I should buy them. So, I trusted the marketing language on the label.

This made me think about just how blind my trust really is most of the time.  We trust people we’ve never met before to sell us food that is what they say it is.  We trust our doctors. We trust other people to obey civil laws like stopping at red lights or yielding at a merge.  We trust the weatherman and take our umbrellas if he says we need one.  We trust teachers.  We trust that our employer will pay us for the work that we do.  We trust the government.  We trust that when we call 9-1-1 someone will answer and send help.  We trust the internet.  We trust Facebook.  We trust that when we buy something online from a company we’ve never heard of that a little lock symbol on the corner of the screen will make our purchase safe.194806347_c17093f464_n

We trust. We trust. We trust.

Then, we start to think about giving God control and we default to: But it’s so hard to trust God!

Seriously?  Maybe we all need to just cut out the “it’s hard to trust” routine.  Apparently, it’s not that hard to trust.  We have to do it 100 times a day or more to get through everyday life.

Does it matter? Are there consequences to not trusting God?  Can we just “struggle” to trust and not sin?

I don’t think so. I think most of the time when we don’t trust God in our hearts our actions follow. We find ourselves making choices that reveal what’s on the inside.  We don’t tithe or give money to help others because deep down we are afraid that he won’t provide for us.  We date unbelievers because we don’t think he’ll ever bring us a spouse.  We grab the wrong thing out of desperation because we don’t know that he’ll ever bring us the right thing.  I could go on and on…

What we do reveals who we trust.  And, if you are like me, it feels (all be it ridiculously) easier to trust ourselves than it does to trust the God who created us, who can see the whole picture, and who knows every detail of our lives and the what’s happening in the world around us.

My favorite line of all times is from a devotional Bible I received many years ago.  I think I’ve quoted it before, but I feel as if I can never share it too many times.  It goes like this,

Real trust bounces on eager toes of anticipation, knowing in whom it places that trust.

In other words, if we had any clue who God was, we wouldn’t struggle to trust.  Or, as is the focus of this blog, if we had any concept of how much God loves us, we wouldn’t wrestle with complete surrender.  

Then I think about parenthood.  Do my children ever have to wonder if I’ll make them dinner?  Do they ever get concerned that they might not have a place to sleep or that they may not have clothes to wear when they outgrow the ones they are in?  Of course not.  When my husband throws my three year old up into the air, does my son ask 100x, “Are you sure your going to catch me dad?”

Never.

Their faith in us is unwavering.  Though we don’t always love them perfectly, they know they are cared for and don’t worry.  They know that we are enough. They understand that mommy and daddy have access to everything they need.

In the same way, we are God’s children.  He is enough. We can trust him.

 See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are!  1 John 3:1 

 

 

 

Does Following Jesus Make You Sweat?

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Most people are a little embarrassed about sweating– even while exercising!  Although I used to be one of them, I now find this a little ridiculous.  How do you know if you’ve worked hard if your body’s cooling response (sweating) hasn’t kicked in?  Why bother going to the gym if you aren’t going to actually do anything?

Sweating is one signal that you are working!  You can know that you are being challenged, growing stronger or increasing your endurance, if you are sweating.

Does following Jesus make you sweat?

Maybe not literally, but figuratively. Do you have any signs of the toils of your labor?  Jesus tells us to come and die to follow him. (Luke 9:23-25).  I have people in my spin class all the time that tell me they are “dying”…and I can assure you that statement comes after lots and lots of sweating.

But, if you claim to be a follower of Jesus Christ, I ask you again, do you have any signs of working out your salvation?  Do you have any sweat invested?

Allow me to give you an example.

The carpet in our family room is horrible.  Just over four years ago it was brand new.  We kept it looking great for the first few years we lived in our home.  But, then Jesus got a hold of us. He showed us that we weren’t really loving our neighbors (we didn’t even know them), we didn’t have a lot of close relationships, and frankly, we didn’t really even have that many friends.  God challenged us to plant a church and to reach out to those around us in a way we had never done before.

Our carpets were clean because we never had anyone over to mess them up.

What happened when God challenged us to increase the amount of hospitality (and fellowship) we did?   My carpet got dirty.  Not just my carpet, really. My house got dirty.  Week in and week out people would come to our house for small groups, dinner, or even (for a few months) a weekly church service.  Toys got broken, beverages got spilled, and the carpets…well, even with a few steam cleanings, they just can’t recover.

I’d be lying if I said I loved our filthy carpet.  (Truthfully, I dream about replacing it with wood laminate that is better for high traffic.)  But, I think it’s like sweat.  I don’t love sweat -but I love what I’ve done that makes me sweat.  Just like I don’t love the spots on our beige carpet, I love the number of people we’ve had come through our home that have contributed to them.

And, I have to wonder if God isn’t happy that our carpets are dirty?

Just like the sweat-less “exerciser,” if our carpets were clean, it might actually be symptomatic of the fact that we were unwilling to allow God to use our home.  Sure, our house might look better, but we wouldn’t be allowing God to use it.  Our dirty carpet is a lingering statement of the intentional work that we’ve put into building relationships.  And, for that reason, I’m not really ashamed of it.  It’s part of our sweat investment.

So, here’s the question:  Christian, are you sweating?

Are your carpets dirty from hospitality?  Or, (if that’s not your gift), are your pockets empty from giving? Is your voice cracked from teaching? Are your eyes tired from studying?  Are you ears weary from listening?  Are your arms tired from serving?  Are you working in your gifting so hard that you feel it?

Or, are you clocking in at the spiritual gym once a week (also called church) and then taking the rest of the week off?  If so, I don’t think that’s sweating.  Just as no one is going to get in shape that way, I don’t think Jesus wants his followers to live that way either.

And, frankly, I don’t think that’s dying.  I think we are called to more.

But, I know what you are thinking. You are too busy.  You have so much “stuff” to do.  Ironically it’s the same excuse people use for not going to the gym. They are too busy to get there. I would challenge them with, “No, you just haven’t made it a priority.”

Yet, I meet people all the time that tell me they are Christians but they never have “time” to work out their salvation.  Hmmm…if someone told you that they were an athlete yet they worked out once a week, never breaking a sweat, would you believe them?

If you say you are a follower of Jesus Christ and yet you never sweat for him, you never invest in his kingdom, you rarely work out love in your life…are you, really?

What do you think?

The Gospel and Comparison

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Comparison is the name of the game in a gym. I hear it, I see it, I live it. In my classes I notice people work harder if the person next to them is working harder. I hear women tell other women that they wish their (insert body part here) looked more like her (insert body part here). There are mirrors everywhere, and you can watch the expressions on people’s faces as they scrutinize and assess their own appearance.

Why do we compare ourselves to others? Well, it’s simple really. We have an innate need to know how we are doing. Are we good enough? We need approval and acceptance. If we can see that we are better in some way– be it physical strength, beauty, intelligence, success, talent, kindness, creativity or morality–then we can create our own bell curve and give ourselves a decent grade. At least we are better than such and such.

I recently wrote an article for the Dallas Moms Blog on the ways moms compare themselves. (I hope you’ll take a minute to read it and share it – I’m in a contest for click throughs there in November…so read it today!) But, the truth is, comparison isn’t just a “moms” thing. For women, it starts long before (and doesn’t even ever require) pregnancy. For men it also starts early. We are hard-wired to find the answer to the question, “Am I acceptable?”

Recently I read an interesting quote on comparison. It went something like this, “The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind the scenes with everyone else’s highlight reel.” It was attributed to Steven Furtick. I think that’s a fine statement. It’s true, in this Facebook age, we often see our friend’s perfect family picture pop up on the day we didn’t have time to take a shower or get the kids out of their pajamas. We have a fight with our spouse and get on Facebook to see a picture of someone’s extremely glamorous looking and “must be so romantic” date night. It’s just the way it goes. It really is comparing apples to oranges.

But, here’s my problem. Telling you to “stop comparing” doesn’t really solve anything. And, even Furtick’s attempt to tell you to stop comparing your ugly with someone else’s pretty, isn’t enough to stop the comparison game. What if their ugly really is nicer than your ugly? Seriously? What if? How can you know? What if their marriage fight is truly over toothpaste and your’s is over infidelity? What if your discipline problems with your children are over watching too much television and their’s are over serious rebellion? What if? How can you know? Doesn’t his quote really only lead us to try to compare our ugly with someone else’s ugly, which is, I believe, still the comparison trap?

And, then there’s the other way that Christian’s attack the comparison problem. We tell people to focus inward. We tell our teenage girls not to compare themselves with the magazine covers because it’s what’s on the inside that counts.

True. But, again, we are just saying “stop comparing” without offering any real answer to the soul that is crying, “Am I beautiful enough?”

The reason we compare is our heart wants to know if we are acceptable. This is the root of insecurity. And, it isn’t solved with changing the way we compare ourselves. It’s only solved with actually finding acceptance.

This is the good news of the Bible that so many Christians, yes, I said Christians, are missing out on. Insecurity plagues the church. And, the reason is that we don’t understand and truly believe the Gospel of Jesus Christ.

Follow me for a second here. Think of a famous person that you admire. Someone really great. Now, if that person thought you were awesome, would that mean something? If you had the approval of that one person, wouldn’t that give you a boost of “confidence” that maybe you were okay. For example, if a U.S. President thought you were fantastic and held a press conference to let people know that. Would you still be insecure around that person in your neighborhood that gives you funny stares? I’d venture to say, no.

So, if you truly believed that God was important, wouldn’t his opinion matter in the same way? No President will ever love you enough or think enough of you to allow his son to die to save you. And, yet, the God of the universe, the creator of the planet, felt that way about you. Shouldn’t this be enough? Does it matter what that mean guy who said you were “ugly” thinks? Or what snide comments that harassing boss or teacher used to insult you? It really shouldn’t.

Why do we compare ourselves to others? Because we don’t believe that God’s approval is enough. We want to provide for our own salvation, by being “good enough” in some measure we deem as important enough to save us. That’s not God’s plan. We can’t save ourselves. We can never be good enough. But, we can be loved and accepted beyond measure.

That’s pretty hard to compete with.

For it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends. 2 Corinthians 10:18

Why Jesus Would Trick or Treat

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Today I’m taking a break from all things exercise.  Inspired by thoughts I read from non-church going friends every October, I’m asking: What does it mean to love my neighbor on October 31st. Here are my thoughts:

WWJD…What Would Jesus Do? If you were a teenager in the 90s I know you had the bracelet.  But, while youth groups were pumping a message of living as Jesus would live in this culture, the evangelical church began to amp up efforts to create its own counter-culture.

Enter the alternative Halloween celebration…

So WWJD? Would he go to first church of whatever’s “Fall Festival” or would he stay close-to-home and be a part of the Halloween night activities of his village?

My opinion: I think Jesus would trick or treat. Okay, maybe he wouldn’t actually dress up and go door to door asking for candy. But, I think his porch light would be on. I think he’d hand out the best candy he could buy. I think he’d cancel other activities to make sure he was home to participate.

Why? Because Jesus was love. He commands us to love our neighbors.  (It’s not a suggestion, it’s a command). He cared about people. He showed us by example that to love others means to engage them. He went to sinners’ parties. He touched the unclean. He associated with those that the religious of the day wouldn’t get near. He didn’t cloister himself in the temple. In fact, the people he most often ran from or reprimanded were the religious.  His message of love, grace, and hope was for everyone.  And, to reach them with his message he had to get close to them.

Sadly though, in neighborhoods across the country it’s the Christians that ruin trick-or-treating for their neighbors. It’s the Christians that hide in the dark or rush to their church so they can have a legitimate “God-approved” reason for not spending the money on candy (for people they don’t know).

On the one day of the year when people are actually outside, knocking on neighbors doors and interacting with others around them, the Christians leave. We make it harder for our communities to enjoy trick-or-treat night because we’re not home. We “show them” how much “more spiritual” we are because we do all of our ritualistic candy handing-out in the comfort of our church multi-purpose rooms and parking lots.

We don’t let our lights shine…in fact, we make sure our (porch) lights are off.

And, what do we communicate in that? Tell me…is it love? I don’t think so.

Sure, I understand that there is a “community outreach” aspect to some of the Fall Festivals out there. I’m certainly not against that. But, why hold them on Halloween? Why expect those who don’t believe to come to you? Why not be a part and go to them?  And, are we really giving people a taste of Jesus when we have our anti-Halloween events?  Why do we think that anyone who doesn’t believe in Jesus would be drawn to a God who (apparently) is against kids dressing up like their favorite characters and exchanging candy?

I’ve heard all of the “it’s safer” rhetorical justifications, too. But, if this is where you hang your hat, do some fact-checking.  A kid hasn’t been actually poisoned by candy from a stranger in 30 years.  There were a few reported cases where razor blades or pins were put into candy to scare children, but frankly the numbers on this are pretty low too– like 80 total cases over the last 60 years.  By and large, trick-or-treating isn’t dangerous if parents are involved and alert.  And even so, why not be the one house in your neighborhood that other parents feel confident going to?

I know this may sound edgy to some of you who may have been raised and indoctrinated in certain ways.  You may still even be battling confusion as to whether or not participation in Halloween is engaging in some sort of devil worship. I’m not an expert — so if you are looking for more evidence –I found this article to have some really good perspective on Halloween’s history and how we, as Christians can redeem the holiday.

Bottom line: Jesus called me to love my neighbor. He wants me to be a beacon of light to those who live around me. He wants my reputation in my community to be that of one who cares, one who loves, and one who can offer hope because I know in whom my hope rests. Sure, it’s going to take more than giving out a few hundred Snickers bars to actually communicate all that, but it’s an easy way to start getting to know those whom I’m commanded to love.

What do you think?

Success Stories and My Story

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In the fitness world we refer to the story of how someone went from being unhealthy, overweight or out of shape — to healthy and fit– as a “success story.” In a week or so I hope to share some actual success stories of folks who have transformed their lives, physically.

In the church we also have a success story equivalent. We refer to how someone has changed their life spiritually as their testimony. And, today I want to share mine.

I’ll be honest. I’ve claimed to be a Christian my entire life. But, I didn’t have a total transformation until a few years ago. To paraphrase Nicole Unice (from the book “She’s Got Issues”) — I was really just a nice person who was a “little nicer” because I went to church. (I blogged more about what I call “Coffee-mate Christians” here.)

The crazy thing is I never really felt like I had much of a testimony. Sadly, now I recognize that this was symptomatic of the fact that I never really had much of a real relationship with Jesus Christ.

I was raised in the church, said the “sinner’s prayer” at age 3 (and dozens of times a year for decades after that…), and was extremely moral. The latter is, in part, what I felt prevented me from having a testimony people would get excited about. What I witnessed as a child was people who would stand up and share amazing stories of deliverance from drugs, alcohol, sex or other addictions. It seemed to me like their transformations were the most “incredible” because (I was certain) it was hard to change in those areas.

But, I never used drugs. I never drank. And, I didn’t have sex before I got married (although, I’m remorseful to admit, holiness was hardly my pre-marital standard). So, what did I have to stand up and share? Who would “ooooh” and “ahhhh” at God’s grace in saving me from my habit of stealing candy from my grandfather’s stash or making long distance phone calls without my parents permission?

I could tell you a lot about the Bible. I went to a Christian high school, college, and even graduate school. I firmly believed my morality was my “witness.” People would see the amazing way I abstained and become a “Christian like me.”

But, I didn’t really see that happen. Ever. In fact, on the few occasions I shared Jesus with people, they didn’t bite. Probably because I wasn’t really sharing the Jesus of the Bible. I was sharing a morality-focused deity that I had created. One that cared a lot about not committing certain sins and would help make their life better if they said a prayer to him. (If the term moralistic deism is not in your vocabulary, watch this video by Matt Chandler.)

So, what happened?

Well, Jesus showed me I really was a sinner. Then, and only then, was I able to need him as a savior.

Because an over emphasis on morality was such a large part of what I took away from my childhood years in the church, if I’m honest I’d have to admit that I didn’t really see myself as a sinner. I’d hear hymns that cried, “such a wretch as I” and think, “Hmmm…wretch? Yeah, that’s not me.”

I didn’t recognize that I was full of pride, self-righteousness, and selfishness (among other things!). I was a Pharisee. I wasn’t a disciple of Jesus, I was religious. I was a good “Christian” but I didn’t know Christ because I didn’t really need him to save me.

Yes, I needed (wanted) him to help me when I was in trouble, give me things, provide for me. But, I didn’t need a savior. Eternity was far away and (I felt) my record was clean, I chanted the magic words enough times, so deep down I figured I was all set. (If you think you are set for eternity just because you chanted the magic words too, listen to this sermon by my favorite pastor.)

My version of Christianity didn’t really take a lot of “work” for me, because I didn’t struggle with moral temptation that much. Morality is all I knew and since I lived my life mostly in a Christian bubble, it’s what my friends knew too. I read things in the Bible like, “come and die” – but thought that was a bit overstated. I didn’t really feel like not drinking required an amount of effort to be equated with death.

I bobbed down and up between what I thought were spiritual “mountain tops” and “valleys.” (I learned about these in church). I prayed a lot when I was in trouble or depressed. I read the Bible for what I wanted to see. I secretly wished I could be more, “on fire for God.” (I really thought people that were that way were great.) But, I didn’t know how to do it in a way that would stick. I tried and I tried. But, it never felt sincere.

Yet, since most of my friends weren’t really “on fire” either, I didn’t worry about it too much. I figured I was probably ok… just “normal.”

What did I spend my time thinking about? Well, mostly myself. I thought about my weight, a lot. My overall appearance as well. I constantly wondered whether or not people liked me. I was consumed with thoughts of whether or not I was good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, successful enough, or working hard enough. Generally, I spent a lot of time wondering if I was doing enough to be approved and accepted by everyone…God included (but He probably wasn’t my first concern because I thought I had that base covered). Honestly, I didn’t have a lot of extra brain capacity to love others or to think about their concerns, because I was pretty busy thinking about how I needed to make myself better.

But, God, in his grace over the past few years has allowed me to see my sin. He’s revealed to me that his standard is holiness and how I can’t measure up on my own. He’s shown me through his Word all the sins that I didn’t even know I struggled with (Don’t hear gluttony preached on much, do you? But, I know I’m guilty and yes, it’s actually just as much of a sin as the so-called “big ones”). He’s breaking down all my previous notions that being a Christian meant good church attendance, working in the nursery, and telling my boyfriend to keep his pants on. He’s freed me from the responsibility to make myself “good enough” to be accepted.

There was a saying when I was growing up that went something along the lines of, “I don’t smoke, drink or chew or associate with those that do.” This was some sort of sign of a good Christian. Now, this makes me sad. This is so contrary to what the Bible says makes a person a Christian. In fact, Jesus was more likely to hang out with someone who was bogged down with moral failures than a Pharisee like me.

And as for my lack of fire, now I see that it’s impossible to burn for Jesus when you don’t really love him. And, it’s impossible to love someone you don’t know.

I knew of him. But, I didn’t know him.

No where in the Bible does is say it’s ok to be a “regular” Christian, or a Christian that lacks fire. In fact, God only has not-so-great promises for those who are lukewarm (Church at Laodecia is “spewed from his mouth”). Jesus called people to follow him with a reckless abandon. To leave their families, leave their possessions, to forget it all and go forward with him. This doesn’t sound halfway to me. This sounds radical.

Now, God is showing me that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is more extreme than I ever realized. He’s revealing to me that it’s a (as Francis Chan puts it) CRAZY love that would send a son to die for me. Jesus dying on the cross isn’t a “tragic story.” It’s not an “interesting tenant of my faith” that I recite an allegiance to and then move on with my life. No. That story — the Gospel– is what transforms us. Church doesn’t. Clean living doesn’t. Being nice doesn’t. It’s Jesus dying on the cross. It’s trying to comprehend how much God loves us that will change us. It’s understanding that because he loves us we are accepted and that we don’t have to work for that acceptance, that frees us.

Then, taking that next step, deciding to follow the God who shows us that kind of grace and love, isn’t a step that can be taken lightly or that makes our lives go from “ok” to “good.” The Bible uses the term born again because it’s like starting new. It’s not just like taking a shower and feeling a little cleaner, it’s actually being re-born. It’s starting life again as a disciple of Christ that makes you a Christian. It’s not a hidden matter of the heart. It should be obvious to people that you are changed…that your priorities are different…that the things that make your heart respond (what you laugh at and what you weep over) are not the status quo. If you are truly a Christian, you should be different.

If your world hasn’t been rocked by Jesus, yet you call yourself a Christian (like I did) I hope you’ll do some soul searching. I’m here for questions and comments too.

Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness. Matthew 23:27